I have a business associate, Peter McClellan, who talks about the importance of leading your family–not necessarily in decisions about what to do with their lives, but in the decisions you make for your own life. Peter is a financial advisor who has had much experience working with surviving family members after the death of a parent or relative.
Peter’s book, with Kelly Schackman, is called Inheritance Tug-Of-War Stories: How to Pull FAMILY Together Before Your THINGS Pull Them Apart. Not being a financial advisor, I was amazed to read how common it is for families to become divided when they have lost parents, a time when they need each other for support so critically.
Communicating your estate planning decisions with your family
In other blogs (Prefunding your funeral–why would you do that? , Caregiving Decisions–Not in Crisis Please ) I have touched on the importance of communicating your desires with your family. Along with these practical desires, communicating your final financial wishes helps lead your family. Peter has practical suggestions on tax consequences and financial considerations to share with your family when you are developing your will and estate plan.
However, one piece I like about Peter’s book is the message that if you make your decisions and communicate them to your heirs, you have set up a way to avoid conflict later. There may still be conflict, but you can be around to help direct and resolve it while you are still alive.
Honoring their loved one’s memory
My favorite concept is that if you share your desires with your children, then they will know how to honor your wishes and memory. When they are sitting around the table, one of them can remind others of what your wishes and intent were if things get out of hand. Honoring your memory, by remembering that keeping your family together is more important and respectful to you than how you divide assets or possessions, can be a powerful way to diffuse an emotional situation.
If you make your decisions, communicate them to your family and then set up the expectation that your heirs will honor you by respecting your decisions, you have led your family.
Peter also has a specific guide on how to make decisions and hold conversations around an emotional possession, called Cabin Conversations: What happens to the cabin when we are gone? To quote Peter, “The very thing that created wonderful memories for families now caused conflict, broken relationships, and the need for legal representation.”
You can find these books or contact Peter at www.401klatte.com or call Sally McClellan at 952-882-0400.